The turning of the wheel.

Before we dive deep into this dispatch from the very rainy, soggy coast of the PNW, I would like to ground us in a few core concepts. These are the three pillars of my belief system and how I navigate this journey.

The Source: I believe in one all-knowing, all-loving, force that has influence, guidance and protection over us. There are many labels for source, God, Creator, Divine, Higher Power and more.

The Soul Contract: The spiritual concept of a soul entering into a sacred agreement with and from the Source to allow the soul to experience specific lessons, relationships, and challenges. These aren’t accidents or coincidences, they are moments to help us evolve the human condition.

The Spokes on a Wheel Faith Pathway: The spiritual concept that there is no monopoly on the divine. There is no singular path to God that is “right”. Whether through demographic, culture, or personal journey, every path is a valid spoke leading toward the same central hub.

So, to briefly recap the previous two posts, my physical body revolted against me for all of 2024 and into 2025. I was standing at a proverbial fork in the road, one path was logical, traditional, and viewed as safe from a capitalist lens; The other path based on the mind, body, spirit connection, and felt risky. I walked away from an 11-year career of state service knowing full well I was abandoning my 20 year sweet spot of state retirement.

And I was spiraling headlong into a season of grief, loss and rebirth.

So, as I sit here today, a year post “crash out”, it took me 365 days to do a complete 180 degree turn in how I view and value myself, and the space I take up in the world. I had to learn that I was worthy, valuable and deserved to take up space just because I am.

If I believe that the concept of a soul contract is true, can I also believe that I am only of value or worth if I am working a traditional job? That being a cog in the great time clock of life was my divine purpose? There had to be more. Especially if my three pillars were truly the foundation of my life’s journey.

One of the greatest concepts that I have embraced over this past year, is ironically, that time is not linear, it is spiral. In America we as a culture adhere to following the calendar, a schedule, and the timeclock. We move from point A to point B without taking a moment to look at the view out of the window. We create task lists, shopping lists, goal lists, lists of lists, and drown ourselves in sticky notes. We rush, we hurry, we fill our homes with “stuff” and then rent storage units to house the stuff that no longer fits in our overstuffed homes (for a master class on this, see the late great George Carlin and his “Monologue on Stuff”). All of this is regulated by the rigid concept of time. By American design, we are cogs in the great timeclock of life, grinding down, second by second.

But what if?

What if time were a spiral? Picture an immense, old library—warm, welcoming, with volume upon volume of great works lining the shelves. The smell of ink, leather, and paper wafts to your nostrils, inviting you into a moment of peace and calm. You find yourself on a large spiral staircase in the middle of the library, with all of the world’s great works within your grasp. Oil lamps flicker on the walls, casting just enough light to read by and guide your steps. The staircase and surrounding shelves reach to the heavens and to great depths below. You are free to move up and down the spiral at your own pace, learning the lessons that beckon to you. There may be chapters in your life that you need to revisit a section of the library, (perhaps more often than you would like), until the lessons are learned. You may ascend, and then look back, realizing that there is something below that needs tended to. There is not a beginning and an end, but a twisting tale to discover, read, write, edit and discover anew.

As eloquently as I paint that picture, something more resonated as my gritty truth. God didn’t bring me this far just to drop me on my ass. I was intentionally trying to throw myself off the staircase because I could not allow myself to feel worthy for just being me.

But today, 365 days later, I am finally learning how to be free.